


with you (a promise of us)

by crestre



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mentions of Kris' Departure, NOT EDITED!, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-26 20:52:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19776196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crestre/pseuds/crestre
Summary: sehun received a letter a year after luhan left.





	with you (a promise of us)

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this after luhan left obv lmao so i was like... 15-16 back then sorry for the mistakes i love u all

sehun used to spend his nights huddled proximately to a delicate frame, pale skin and bony yet firm arms. the weariness from accomplishing schedule after schedule long forgotten as they lie in comfortable silence, limbs tangled and body pressed impossibly close to each other. like this, next to luhan is how sehun would like to spend the rest of his days, he thinks and allows himself to indulge in the luxury of imagining the far-fetched possibility that this can go on forever--that they can go on forever. although, he knows that one day all of this will come to an end; including the fame and the hype along with the advantages and even the drawbacks of being the major players in the entertainment industry.

it all started when kris left. the beloved leader of the other half of exo, left just like that--without any explanation or warning or hint. the news that kris wishes to terminate his contract signifies his withdrawal from the group which means their future activities will no longer involve kris. to say that they were surprised is an understatement, and frankly, the whole group doesn't know what to feel about this. 

the announcement came so sudden. they were minding their own businesses one night after supper when their manager called them up to gather. everyone noticed the glum and unsure emotion that the manager wore as he regarded each of them remorsefully, taking one long agonizing breath, he dropped the bomb of the leader's departure. 

the mild atmosphere replaced with a thick, heavy, cutting one as they digest the news. "is this a joke?" the tallest in the group asked piercingly to the man, and when silence answered him with the confirmation, he abruptly stormed out of the area and slammed the door of his room with a loud bang away from them. sehun was new to this chanyeol, he has never seen him act this way. he was observing the members' expressions and he feels a weight pulling him down as he witnesses their reactions. jongdae, who always had a hint of mischievousness in his eyes, looked so lost, staring at nothing but a blank space. his confederate, baekhyun has his eyelids shut tight as if trying to wake up in this nightmare. 

and his junmyeon hyung...

junmyeon's face morphed into contemplation, but his eyes are asking and screaming for answers.

only when he felt a hand closing on his does he realize that he was holding his breath. apprehensively, he looked at the owner of the hand, despite knowing beforehand who that is, and felt relief when luhan gave him a sad yet reassuring smile. they'll get by. this is just another obstacle and sacrifice. 

of course, they were shocked, then comes the confusion, the doubts. the lingering unanswered question, "where did we go wrong?" they are somewhat (extremely) upset, but mostly, they were disappointed (of themselves because apparently kris doesn't find the rest of the group reliable) that kris never mentioned a single thing to them and frustrated by the fact that it happened so fast and they were clueless about the whole ordeal. 

the issue is left untouched and no one dared to speak of it. not one had the guts to open the dreadful topic. 

they should've seen it coming when luhan went on a hiatus for almost a month, using health reasons as his excuse. they should've known it would happen anytime soon with how luhan can address and talk so casually about kris. "you know, he's been doing well. and he's happy," if luhan felt sehun's questioning gaze, he didn't say anything about it nor did he acknowledge it. 

**10/13 20:12**

minseok came to him first. luhan has his eyes trained on the screen, however his mind is somewhere else. 

"hey." the older said, snapping his eyes from the television to minseok. he returned his attention to the static in front of him, but not before giving minseok as small nod of acknowledgement. 

"is everything okay?" he heard minseok attempt again for a conversation, and luhan can only let out a sign. though, he expected this confrontation, he is certainly never prepared for it. 

"no, but it's going to be." 

"are you going to be happy? aren't you happy with us?" minseok voiced out when he thought that silence will reign over the two of them.

"i am happy. very much," he replied without any hesitations.

"but?" luhan looked away before answering.

"but i just can't do this anymore. it's suffocating me. i don't even know myself anymore. everything's too much. the whole world is expecting us to be perfect, when we're only humans. i know we're not perfect, but the pressure of having to live up to their expectation is changing me... i don't want to drag the group down not after everything we have given to get this far." and then minseok left.

"okay, i wish you all the best," luhan's reserve breaks as a gut wrenching pain overtakes him.

and he feels worse than terrible when he knows that minseok walked away, so that his tears would come unnoticed.

it's been an hour since the confrontation, and luhan feels the void emptiness in his chest, convincing himself that this is for the best.

**10/13 23:49**

"hyung," luhan was pulled away from his reverie when he saw sehun at his door looking still like the innocent dongsaeng he met years ago. he smiled at the boy, tapping the space beside him as an invitation. "what's up, sehun?" the said boy snuggled closely at him, hiding his face in the space where his neck and shoulder meets. at this, luhan feels warm and safe and content. "nothing, i just miss you. can i sleep beside you?" with the younger's words, he hears his heart crack--feels it slowly and painfully.

luhan thinks: this is it.

"you know that i love you, right?" he felt sehun nod between the crack of his neck. 

"i will always love you, no matter what and where. hyung is going to support you in whatever you do. and even though you are here," luhan took a large amount of air before proceeding because the ache is unendurable and he's afraid that sehun will here his voice crack and feel how fast his heart is beating,"i still miss you. much more if i am away from you, i know you do, too. always remember that even though we're apart, my heart will always be with you. and if you ever miss me, just think of the nights we spent like this, and know that somewhere, i am thinking of it--of us, too." luhan finished with a kiss on sehun's crown sealing his words like a promise.

"what are you talking about?" sehun visibly stiffened, his eyes widening at an unrequested realization.

"are you... leaving me?" the pain in sehun's voice is physically present that feels his system being crippled to numbness.

"no, i will always be with you," the doe-eyes male assured pulling sehun closer to him, relishing the possibly last time that he can feel sehun's heartbeat with his. 

even if i'm not here. 

**10/14 04:12**  
luhan left.

* * *

A year later...

**10/14 05:20**

it's been a year since luhan left. he dreaded for this day to come, and even if he wants to sleep his way out of this pithole, his mind won't allow him to. although, he has accepted the ugly truth that luhan has disappeared the night he vowed to the younger that he won't be leaving him, it doesn't make it any less painful. 

seeing as how he wouldn't be able to sleep anymore, an unwelcome, however not wanted, distant memory invaded his thoughts; the first time he met luhan. sehun can remember every significant detail of that fateful meeting. how the older boy was as tall as he was then, speaking in a heavy, not that articulate, accented korean, and he can still recall that he found it cute. oh, and the surprise in his face when he was reprimanded because he was talking a little bit informal to luhan. "sehun, where are your manners? that is a hyung," his gaping mouth made luhan throw a laughing fit at how the younger suddenly looks so bashful considering he was very much confident awhile ago. 

the memory used to be a blissful reminder of how he basically embarrassed himself in front of luhan, but reminiscing about it now made sehun wistful and longing to the days when the elder was beside him playing with his colorful locks. but sehun knows, if he was given the chance to go back and change the encounter, he would still choose to meet luhan, despite knowing that one day, this is going to happen.

more memories came back to him as his mind drifted to when luhan was still with him.

**10/14 07:12**

sehun was trudging his way to the refrigerator to get some milk. he has his hand clutching the refrigerator door handle when his attention was diverted to something else, it was letter and a sticky note was pasted hurriedly plastered atop of it along with some words scrambled messily on the neon stationary. it says: " _Hun! somebody gave this letter directly to manager-hyung. idk who sent it, he just asked me to give it to you. -suhoxx."_ sehun grimaced at the leader's attempt of trying to act cool. 

frowning, he pulled it softly from where it is pasted, and then, curiously scanned the appearance of the thing cautious that it might be from a sasaeng fan. if not for their manager, would've thrown this the very moment he saw it. sehun went back to his room, eyeing the envelope inquisitively with his milk long forgotten. 

his heart stopped when he realized who the sender of the letter was. 

_hey, it's me._

_how have you been? please tell me you are taking care of yourself, otherwise i might hate myself forever. but i know you've been, or at least kyungsoo and your other hyungs is force-feeding you. please thank them on my behalf!_

_it's been a year, right?_

_i know that you felt betrayed and hurt when you woke up and i wasn't there beside you. you have every right to feel that way, but still allow me to ask you for an apology with the little courage that i have. you might not forgive me now, but i hope you will, soon._

_"why?" i'm certain that that word has been in your minds since the moment you found out of my departure. jsyk, i've been asking that myself from the moment i've thought of leaving. why? idk, probably because everything is so fucked up, and the only thing that is keeping me from falling, from losing myself, is you. it was too much, know what i mean? like i'm starting to lose grip of the person that i truly am because i have to have a pleasant image for the fans and for the group... it's as if i don't have freedome anymore and i started to feel guarded when i want to be carefree, but then you held me tight and gave me assurance that everything will be alright, i don't want to burden you. i can't give you the responsibility of piecing me back together every time i break, i'm afraid that you will cut and hurt yourself along the way._

_did you know that if not for you, i would've left after kris, immediately. you are my only consolation from all of these that at least, i have you in my arms at the end of the day and that i'm not alone because i'm with you. i don't want to leave you, but i also don't want to hurt you._

_not a single day passed that you are not in my mind. i'm always thinking of your well-being and whereabouts._

_"it's late, is sehun already sleeping?"_

_"did he sneak out again for some bubbletea?"_

_"does he miss me?"_

_"does he think about me?"_

_you see, sehun, when i told you that night that i will always be with you, it's not a lie because i may have left, but my heart and mind is still with you. oceans apart or not, i will still completely, truly and eternally love you, and that i will forever miss the nights we spent breathing in each other's presence. there's nothing more that i want right now than to have you again in my arms even if it's just a fraction of second._

_i miss your smile, the bright sunshine smile you give only to me, and your eyes that shines as bright as the stars, how genuine and true the happiness that i can see in your eyes and how it's so radiant and vibrant that it also makes me happy. i miss your laugh, how it's the happiest music i've ever heard. i miss your voice. i miss your beautiful voice, the deep and gentle sound comforting me. i miss your warmth because i never felt lonely when i'm with you. i miss you. i miss you so much it hurts._

_i will never love anyone as much as i love you. it will be too much if i ask you to still love me back, i'm happy knowing that once in my life, i have been loved by you. and i feel happy and blessed that there was once an us. but whatever happens you still have my heart and i have no intentions of getting it back. i hope that if i and you were to be reborn, we will find ourselves in each other's arms. and nobody, nothing could ever and would ever break us apart._

_i wish you happiness._

_love,_

_luhan_

_**10/14 12:20**_

sehun was lying in silence, he doesn't know what to feel about it, but one thing is for sure, his heart is breaking and falling piece by piece and luhan's not there to piece him whole again. he tried to shut his eyes close to will himself to sleep, but the image of luhan kept him awake. just when he was about to close his eyes again, he heard the doorbell ring.

begrudgingly, he went to open the door, thinking it was one of the members, his breath was caught in his throat when he saw the presence before him. 

**_luhan_**

before he can utter a word, luhan was lunging himself to sehun, instinctively, the younger's arm wrapped around luhan's wasit. and sehun hate it. he hates that even after what happened, he still wants this--him. 

"i miss you, sehun." the boy can answer him back through hugging him stighter and nuzzling the tuft of ebony hair, breathing in sthe smell he used to and will always love. 

sehun knows that this is just the beginning, and that every chapter of his life will begin and end with luhan by his side. 


End file.
